:: The Sigh ::

If I were to sigh every day.

It means that something is definitely wrong with me.

But if I were to keep it to myself.

One day I`ll break down real hard.

The critical level of cancer is not leading me to death, yet!

Hell, no!

I am not having cancer.

But so much of disappointments.

Accumulating by days are sooooo cancerous!

There isn`t any sparkles anymore.

Sometimes I wish I could be a priority.

Just by you looking at me.

And talking to me.

Like others would do.

I went all the way there.

Wanted to spend this extra lunch time with you.

But I had to wait.

You know why.

You were busy with something first.

:)

Then after we had lunch.

You went on doing your things.

If I complain.

You`ll ask.

What the hell do I expect from you, rite?

If I want to talk I could have started talking, rite?

I would expect a simple hug.

I would expect a peck on my cheek.

And I would expect you to tell me how I look ;)

I have so many people around me.

Noticing every single new thing I have.

(Okay now you`ll say because they are busy body)

But for me I feel appreciated.

I feel like they know something new about me.

But I can`t expect it from you.

You don`t even notice any new thing in me.

I know you told me once.

“You have so many new things and you don`t bother telling what you buy”.

Others do have interests in me.

But you.

This morning when I left for work.

I`ve told myself.

I surrender everything today.

God knows what`s the best for me.

And yet I am complaining here.

What to do?

I am trying hard not to say anything to you.

So this blog is where I always resort to.

Probably I shouldn`t have cancelled my lunch appointment after all.

I`d have some entertainment listening to her at least.

I will try not to say anything at all to you.

Just don’t force me to :)

But I hope you`d understand.

That I am a girl.

I have desires.

I have expectations.

I am writing this not solely to point finger at you.

You have your good qualities too.

:: Monday Datang Lagi ::

Today is Monday.

I am at work.

And I am having fever.

So nice!

So many things had happened last week.

One of my uncles from Papa`s side had passed away.

On his daughter`s wedding day which I did not attend.

He got a minor heart attack at the wedding itself.

And was rushed to the hospital.

And so happened I was having fever and wanted to go to the hospital as well.

Something happened there and I was quite pissed with Papa.

But I kept quiet.

When he was discharged they left me alone.

Waiting for my blood test to come out.

They went to fetch my uncle back home.

When I got home.

I slept off and at around 130am.

I received a call from Mama saying that my uncle had gone to Rahmatullah.

Innalillahiwainna`ilahiraji`un.

I didn’t join them coz I was tired.

The next day something happened I fought with Papa.

I just went to the outside of graveyard to recite some prayers for my uncle.

Then I left.

I only met Mama there.

Meluat kat Papa you olls!

For the first time after so long I managed spend time in bed.

Watching DVDs on a Sunday.

Hehehe.

And I was well taken care of.

Thanks to you.

You know who you are.

Today when I came into the office.

I received a gift from a colleague who just got back from Bangkok.

She got me a very nice orange coloured headband.

Owh I am a headband fetish lately.

Hehehe.

I have loads of them in my collection.

And having an orange one is something exciting!

One hour later I received a parcel.

From an ex colleague.

She sent me some gifts from Hong Kong.

She went for a holiday sometimes back.

But we haven’t met since then.

So I received a gold plated bangle, a Goofy key-chain from Hong Kong Disneyland.

Owh I also received a pair of stud earrings by Guess.

I am soo excited I have totally forgotten about my fever.

I am so happy that I always receive gifts from my friends whenever they travel.

But at the same time I feel bad that I can`t return the favour as I have not been going anywhere this few years.

Not even Bangkok!!

Huh!!
Thanks to my beloved bf!!

But this weekend I have some works to be done in Langkawi for few days.

I`ll get them some chocolates perhaps.

Thank you dear friends for always remembering me ;)

:: The Landlady & Her Designer`s Handbags ::

Last night I had dinner with Mr Congo.

He would usually call me out for dinner.

BECAUSE NOBODY WANA GO MAKAN WITH HIM.

He was telling me of how excited he felt.

That now he knew most of the things in the office.

Everything is going on well with this new job.

Good for him.

After dinner I went home.

Membawa hati yang lara.

My landlady was not asleep yet.

So I went over to her to just say hi.

We ended up having about 2 hours conversation.

She was telling me about how good her life was.

Before she fell sick.

She has lived in Paris & Aussie for few years.

And most thing that got me excited.

Was when she told me about her collections of designer`s handbags.

I was so impressed I had to wipe my saliva off the floor.

She was funny though.

She was telling that her very first designer`s handbag was from Chanel.

Few years back.

It was a Chanel Flap in Lambskin.

It was the first day she got her platinum card from her husband.

So she went to Chanel to have a look.

She overheard one SA telling a customer that a bag at the same spot was SGD 399.

So she told the SA she would go for that too!

When she had to sign the chit.

She fainted right there and then!!

It was actually SGD 3999.

Hahahahahaaha!

Then she told me stories about other handbags.

She had a few LV but never had a Neverful.

Arghhh!!

She has loads of Kate Spade too.

But all the bags are in Singapore now.

Since she can`t be using them anyway.

She only has a few totes here from Braun Buffel.

Since she can`t carry heavy stuff because of her bones problem.

Looking at me being so excited.

Aku kan tak penah ada designer handbags you olls!

She asked me to take out something from a dust bag in a cabinet.

I found a black Kate Spade leather handbag that was so beautiful!

Menggigil okay!!

Aku kan org miskin tak penah ada Kate Spade.

Then she told me

“You can have it.

It`s a gift from me.”

I suddenly packed the arm candy back into its dust bag.

And put back into the cabinet.

There`s no way I am going to take that!!

She told me she bought it for a quite good bargain.

“Don`t worry, Tush.

It was quite cheap.

I got it for only SGD 800.

Go on and have it”

Faintttttttttttttttt!!!

She was also telling me to have her Gucci purse in her drawer.

She told me she only used it once and she has a few more.

Mak nak nangis okay!!

But don’t worry.

I did not take anything from her.

At all ;)

:: Today ::

Today.

I really feel like I have no boyfriend.

I don’t even know where he is.

He just doesn’t bother to text or call.

Too busy probably.

But will he be too busy to even tell me that he has landed?

That was yesterday.

And today?

Hurm.

I know one phone is out of battery and he didn’t take the charger along.

But what about another?

I don’t like having this feeling of not being appreciated.

Not that I want him to text me all the time.

But at least update me once a while.

I know he would tell me that he doesn`t even have to report to his mother.
Owh that is sooooo my boyfriend!
And he will say that I purposely wanna find fault.
Which is true.
I am always at fault.
He will also tell me that he is too tied up with things that a text would take up 2 hours of his precious time.
But if even if he goes outstation he still can`t be bothered to tell.
And if I have to follow his mood all the time.
He`ll text when he likes.
And dissapear when ever he wants.
Then don`t keep a girlfriend.
I am not a puppet!

But something really made me wonder.

He was away on Tuesday and he could text me all the while!
Texted me when he has left home to the aiport.
Reached airport.
Flight took off.
Flight landed.
Everything!!
Till he safely got back home.
Hurm.
If I were to ask about it he`ll say
"I was free by then".

I hate to have this feeling of not bein bothered.

Because once I feel like it`s gone.

Then it`s quite hard to come back.

Probably this is the feeling that he wants me to feel.

Fair enough.

You Mr.

Don`t expect me to be there when you need me.

And expect me to be on my own when you don’t need.

But hey.

Have you ever needed me anyway?

:: Owh Gabanku ::

Nothing much is up today.

Went for lunch with the office mates.

Wanted to have mee sotong at Esplanade.

The car park was full.

By the time I wanted to reverse the car.

I hit a divider.

Thanks to my Perodua reverse alarm!

You`re the best.

So Gaban is dented on his back left.

I am so sorry darling.

I didn’t mean to hurt you.

Last week.

I had a meeting at one Gov office.

When I got back to the office and parked the car.

I saw a scratched on the driver`s door.

Long one.

And still new.

Coz the dust from the paint was still there.

Hurm.

Not so good days for Gaban, huh?

But I am quite surprised myself.

There was not even a time that I felt stressed about it.

Not that I don’t love Gaban anymore.

Just that there`s nothing I could do to turn back time.

And what ever happened was destined to happen.

I might ease a bit of it but there was no way for me to escape.

Karma is a friend.

No?

But I have never scratched anyone`s car!

Hehe.

:: The Reward ::

Today is quite a slow day.

As expected.

Not much work in the office.

Mr BF.

As usual is out stationed.

And as usual also.

He wouldn’t call once he arrives.

Most of the times I don’t even know where he is.

Nice!

:)
I wouldnt even know if he`s dead.
Two thumbs up for him!!

There`s nothing much lately for me to blog about.

But I thought of sharing this with you people.

I received an email about this one unsatisfied worker.

She will be retired soon.

She was so upset that she had loads of things to do in the office.

Yet she was getting a very little pay.

So one day in a meeting.

She was so angry she felt that she was bullied.

So much of works with so little pay.

Why on earth is that?

So she left the meeting room after spitting everything out.

A man then followed her and started asking why was she so upset?

She started telling things and the man asked her something.

The conversation was something like this :

Him : Do you have kids?

Her : I do. I have 3 of them.

Him : What are they doing?

Her : 1^st one is a lawyer.2^nd one is a lecturer.3^rd one is becoming a doctor soon.

Him : Can`t you see anything out of that?

Her : No. What`s there to see?

Him : We know when we do good. We will receive good. But it doesn’t mean that we do good at work. We will get the good also at work.God has his own way to reward you. You see you have been sincere with your job all this while.God doesn’t give you a good pay. Instead he gives you something more than that. He gives you good kids with good jobs and good future. Just like when you`re driving. At a junction you see a car wanting to come out. You stop and give way to the car. And the car goes off. When you reach another junction. And you want to go to the main road, there will be another car giving way to you. Not the car you have given the way just now. Why?

Her : Because I have done something good for the car before and now when the car is gone, another car is here to repay me for the good deed?

Him : *smile*

Well.

It was something like that.

It was so beautiful I was smiling all the way while reading this.

And I started thinking.

Even though it could be quite annoying for me to listen to my landlady all the times.

But still.

I don’t really mind.

Coz who knows?

When I am not here.

There will be someone to take care of Mama on my behalf?

:)

:: Great Day..Great People ::

Heya,Bloggy!!

I feel quite happy today.

I mean.

I feel relaxed!

I woke up early today as the maid came in to clean the house.

She comes in every Wednesday.

After I met her.

I resumed to bed for another half an hour.

Then woke up again  at 7.30am.

I was ready by 8.30 and it was kinda shocking.

Time flew so slow.

So I did meditate for abit before I left for work.

Reached office early.

Playing around with the colleagues.

Laughing while eating chocolates we got from a colleague who just got back from Langkawi.

And when I came into my room and switched on my pc.

I received an email from a good friend saying

“While men think "why buy a cow when you can get milk for free?" the women
actually realize that it is not worth to buy the whole pig just to get a
little sausage :)”

Hahaha.

Kinda cute!

Then I put that up on my FB status.

I saw Ms D`s status saying

“Just because he doesn't love you as you wish,

 it doesn't mean he doesn't love you with all his heart”

Also true.

Hurm so many things are going on.

Hehehe.

But the most happiest thing for me this morning.

Is when I received a text saying that a friend of mine.

Had delivered to her first baby girl.

And everybody is happy.

So it`s 20102010 then :)

A great way to start my day.

I hope all great things are coming too.

Great day to you too!

:: The Stress & Being Grateful ::

Well.

I am finally back to the office.

And God knows how relieved I feel that I am here.

Hahaha those 2 days that I was off really made me feel like they were forever.

Slalu malas nak kerja tapi skrg hati asyik kata

“Kalau la ari ni masuk office!”

Owh myyyyyy.

Seronoknya masuk office dan membuat kerja sendiri.

Hati berbunga2 riang.

Macam poyo tak penah masuk office plak bunyinya.

Padahal berlambak je keje pending.

Well.

Let`s start with my new place.

Proses pemindahan was held on Saturday night.

Mr BF helped me out with everything.

Owh yea he managed to come back to Penang in the evening.

So off we went to my new place.

Unpacking the stuffs.

He left at about midnite.

So there I was.

Feeling excited looking at my new place.

I felt like I`ve brought the whole house to move there.

But ended up my small room looks like I don’t have anything much.

Hurm.

My landlady is a sweet Chinese lady.

She has a major spinal problem that even MRI couldn’t detect the cause.

But somehow she is so strong and still going on with life.

The only thing about her is that she tends to talk a lot.

A lot that you could find her talking for 3 hours non-stop if you don’t stop her.

But I do understand.

She was staying alone.

Her family abandoned her and think that she made up all the stories about her sickness.

And worse.

She is even separated from the husband and kids.

Well I shouldn’t be telling anything about her here.

But because I have to relate some things to this later.

So yea.

She tends to tell me a lot of grandmother`s stories.

Which I could understand because she has no one to talk to.

So when she has someone with her.

She gets excited that she could express her feelings out.

I don’t blame her.

But too much of it till I sleep late every night listening to her.

Causing me to be so stressed.

I didn’t have the heart to cut her off.

For I understand that we human need attention when we are sick and lonely.

So I kept listening.

But I had so little sleep and when I woke up in the morning I`d be listening to her again.

Till the time I had to see Mama.

For the whole day.

This is another thing.

Mama is stressed of something as well and it was my duty to entertain her and make her happy!

I would take her anywhere she would wanna go.

I`ll walk everywhere as long as she`s happy.

Not that I am making fuss out of it but sometimes I do feel very tired too.

Tetapi demi ibu yg seorang di dunia itu saya turutkan saja.

Mama pun banyak kali mintak maaf sbb menyusahkan saya.

Tapi sebagai anak takkan saya nak kata ibu saya itu menyusahkan?

I love her so much that I am willing to do anything for her.

Memikirkan bila balik rumah dalam keadaan yang sangat letih bersama mata yang sudah susah nak bukak.

Tetiba kene mendengar tuan tanah bercerita lagi.

I felt so stressed.

So I sat at the garden all alone before I went into the house.

I felt so stressed I called Mr BF and cry!!

Hahaha.

He suggested that I go back to my old place as the room is still mine till this month end.

I thought that was a good idea.

So I went into the house to find my landlady was in pain.

I didn’t have the heart to leave her alone.

And something was telling me to stay put.

So there I was again listening to her till at 12 I went back to my room.

I even told her I am also stressed with some problems that sometimes I won`t be able to spend so much time talking to her as usual.

Plus I finish work late every day.

I felt bad telling her that but I simply had to.

I had enough with Limah Jongs I can`t afford to have another.

I mean not that I won`t be talking to her at all but perhaps not up to 2-3 hours a day.

I am exhausted myself.

But secretly in my heart.

I am very grateful to God that despite all the problems I have in the world.

Mama is always around for me.

She`s the cause of my happiness eventhough aku slalu kene melawat 2-3 shopping malls sekali kuar.

But my landlady.

She is all alone by herself.

So much problems and sicknesses.

No company.

No love.

No attention.

But me.

I might not have a very good domestic life.

But I have all the companies I need.

I have a job.

I have a car to move around.

I have a family.

And today as I came in to work.

I was shocked to know about someone I know who had been robbed.

Siap kene kelar dgn parang kat leher and tangan.

Nasib baik tak putus urat!

And knowing that she has gone through so much of sh*ts in her life within this year.

Again I feel so grateful.

She broke up with her ex-bf.

She lived alone at a place.

Was jobless.

With loads of financial issues.

Her house was broken into.

All her electronic gadgets were gone.

And now.

When she`s slowly getting up.

She`s facing this trauma.

Owh God.

I always thought my life is so miserable.

But now I really have to be grateful of what I have.

I am.

Very thankful to God.

May the landlady and this someone I know be blessed.

Amin.

P/S : Right when I am writing this entry, Ms D comes up with a very good news that makes me smile.

        Congrats,girlfriend. I am so happy for you ;)

           

:: All Over Again ::

At Mama`s now.
I have shifted to my new place last night.
It was abit sad for me to leave the place I`ve resided for the past 32 months.
Felt like I`ve been living there forever!
Haha tetiba mcm melancholic pulak!
I mmg over.
But really.
God knows how bad I felt.
Looking at the place.
But somehow.
I still can go back there anytime I want.
Coz my last day there would be this month end.
Plus I still have my belongings there.
And my biggest teddy is still there.

I went over just now.
To pick up some of the remainings.
But guess what?
I really don`t feel at home when I was there.
In fact I already have the thought of my "P" new place is my home.
Quite strange.
And too fast I would say.
But yea.
I am happy with the changes.
;)

Good for me.
Good for my teddy bear.
And good for Limah Jongs.

As for the new place.
It feels good to be there.
At first I felt like the room was quite small for me.
As I used to have bigger bed.
But now I dah kene downgraded.
Ke single bed aje.
But surprisingly I felt like it was so spacious last night.
Ntah apsal.
But it`s a good sign I think.
Looks like I`m settling down slowly.
Pindah rumah pun nak kecoh kan?
Bukan pindah rumah je.
Pindah segala2nya.
Tapi hati blom pindah lagi ;)

My room is full of red colour now.
I feel like the old time is coming back.
I hope I am right!

P/S : Pics from Uncle Google sahaja u olls!

:: Wednesday ::

Today is Wednesday.

I haven’t shifted to my new place yet.

Atas sebab2 tertentu.

I`ll be moving there officially on this Saturday.

Don`t know how rushing it would be.

Since Saturday is my cousin`s wedding.

And I`ll have to be there till everything is done.

And go back to my current place.

Pick up more stuffs and that`s it.

The whole new episode of my life.

Not whole actually.

But quite a big part :)

I have not been feeling anything at all.

Nothing.

But today.

I feel a bit heavy hearted.

No doubt this is what I have been looking forward to.

I so wanted a new life.

But nothing can beat the excitement of not having to see Limah Jongs anymore!

Mr BF will be going outstation again tomorrow.

Will be back on Saturday.

Which won`t really happen like dat.

Coz usually he`ll have to stay back for at least another day.

So I`ll have to shift my stuffs alone.

And when he`s back.

His gf will no longer be staying with Limah Jongs!

:: Monday Morning ::

Just got into the office a while back.

Feel very tired as I am having my “best friend” with me.

Boss is coming in today and it doesn’t really feel nice.

Hehehe.

I need TLC on my first day of period.

Not a lot of works!

Okay tetiba emo.

Hehehe.

I was reading Limah Jong`s blog.

Now I realise that she has a stalker.

That is me!!

Hahaha.

Well I never wanted to stalk her.

Just curious on what lie she has today or yesterday.

Okay I am a stalker!!

Hahaha.

I actually wanna write about something.

I know I am not always right.

I have my flaws and scars.

And when others are doing wrong.

(In my eyes)

I shouldn’t really complain.

I mean.

I am a human being anyway.

I can`t just not complain at all.

I am no saint.

But I can always minimize it.

(Except for the times I get totally pissed!)

I actually feel bad when I complained about someone last week.

Not that I feel it because he`s being good to me now.

No.

But I see that he is not that bad after all.

We are human.

We have our wants.

We have our needs.

And what I want might not be the same as you.

And my needs may not be delivered by you.

I do know that.

But sometimes when he is too rebellious I couldn’t take it.

I`d behave the same way and we`ll be right in War of the Genders.

But I know.

That deep down his heart.

He never meant to hurt me.

It`s just that he got so frustrated with his life.

But I hope one day he`ll realize that these few years we had.

Are surrounded with good vibrations and joys too.

Not only negativities.

What an emotional post on Monday morning.

Tapi.

Ada aku kesah?

Great news is I received 2 packs of Almond Gold Whittaker`s Chocolate from Langkawi.
How I wish I could be relaxing in LGK now!!

:: Attraversiamo ::

Last night I went to watch Eat Pray Love.

Like other any other movies that are adapted from books.

This movie doesn’t do the book and the whole story any justice.

This one is way below my expectation.

But again.

How can you expect a 352 pages of story to have been told fully in a 2 hour movie?

But I think they really should`ve highlighted some important facts of the book.

Like first of all.

I don’t think ppl really understand why was she crying in the bathroom.

Talking to God for the first time.

And the voice that she heard saying

“Go back to bed, Liz!”

They didn’t even come back to tell whom does the voice belong to?

And how did the voice comes?

Because after all.

The voice was the one helping her out through the bad times.

And finally she got to know whose voice that was.

And where the h*ll was the notepad she uses to write to God?

That she had God replying back to her in the same book?

There were some scenes that were also very contradicting from the book.

I was really waiting for the part when Ketut says

“Why do they make it so complicated in India with meditation?”

But he did not say that in the movie at all.

Instead he straight away taught her to sit and smile!

Probably it could be a sensitive issue.

She was not asked to make the copies of the medicine books belong to Ketut.

I mean she did not have to write them down in new books.

Ketut was just showing to her.

And when she saw the books were dying.

She told Ketut she would take the books and come back after a few hours.

That was when she took the books and bring them to town.

And had them photocopied.

But in the movie.

She had to write them down!

And she wasn`t hit by Felipe`s car.

She was hit by a bus if I am not mistaken.

Can`t really recall what the vehicle was but definitely not Felipe.

They met for the first time at a party.

She did not break up with Felipe like a scene at almost the end of the movie.

It was not even on the book.

Or was it me who couldn`t recall at all?

Hurm.

And she had never met Felipe`s son.

Okay I am getting so emotional with this already.

Because I really spent time reading the book.

And the bad times she had gone through really taught me loads of things.

But I couldn’t see that in the movie making me so frustrated.

Thank God they never cut the scene where she learnt

“Attraversiamo!”

Had that word on my FB status for quite sometimes.

Hahaha.

I better stop talking before I become the worse critic on earth ever.

But really wish they would show the important parts instead of making up something that did not happen.

So.

Attraversiamo peeps :)

Have a great weekend ahead.

P/S : Sorry if I spoil your semangat berkobar2 to watch this movie.

        Owh yea.

        I think this role would be better if played by Sarah Jessica Parker.

        Oupsss hehehe.

:: Luahan Perasaan ::

Boss called up saying that he won`t be in today.

So MERDEKAAAA was the first word on my mind right after I hung up.

Started looking at my desk.

Most of the jobs are done.

Except for some that I need ppl to send me details for me to proceed with my things.

But too bad.

Everybody is busy.

No one sends me anything.

Means I have a long list of pending jobs.

Yet I am so free.

I am trying not to think much.

Perhaps I should try to meditate now.

Well.

I`ll do that later.

Now I just wanna write everything out.

Well not everything.

But most of the things.

That`s the purpose of me having this blog anyway.

Like I said in the previous entry.

I`d rather not to find the right one.

As long as I don’t have to meet the wrongs.

I mean it.

Really!

I know we tend to say loads of unwanted.

And unnecessary things when we are angry.

But even now when I am no longer pissed.

I still do think the same like last night.

I tried so hard to accommodate others` needs.

I tried so hard to understand their feelings.

I tried so hard to make them happy.

This includes ignoring my feelings and my needs.

That are so contra to theirs.

This also means letting go of my desires.

This also means putting up with a broken heart.

Why?

Just to make them feel good.

Just to make them live.

Coz I don’t want them to get hurt.

But when I care too much of others.

The only person I am hurting is my own self.

People say.

When you can`t change the world.

Change yourself.

If you can`t change yourself.

Then angkat kaki blah jauh2.

That is the best thing for me to do too.

But angkat kaki is not as easy as it sounds.

I don’t know what kinda life I am stuck in.

For an instance.

I still can`t really digest this.

Someone asks you out for dinner.

OUT.

When you`re about to go out.

He tells you that you can eat whatever you want.

He`ll wait.

Then you`ll go with him to the place he wants.

To wait for him to have his meal.

WTF is this?

When I got pissed and say that might as well we don`t go together.

He got even more pissed at me.

When I said I could compromise.

He said only dumbf*cks do that.

When last time he got to know that a couple does that.

(The GF was so furious of the idea but she had no choice)

He said that the BF was so inconsiderate.

But now he said what they are doing is liberal.

Hurm.

Something big for me to think about.

Probably this is how liberal persons think.

I aint no liberal you see!!

Last time.

I did compromise for quite a lot of things that happened on the same night.

He kept changing plan according to his needs.

Sorry.

His wants.

Not needs.

Okay we were going through a direction of A when he wanted to divert coz he wanted something else at B.

Promising me to come back to A for my dinner after he gets what he wants at B.

But when he got what he wanted at B he finally change his mind again telling me

“Let`s not go to A.”

While I was waiting for goddamn hours to be at A.

While the plan to go to A was made few days back and I was craving!

Then I showed my emotion.

I was then accused UNFLEXIBLE.

But when I was trying to be flexible last night.

I was a dumbf*ck.

I really don`t understand.

I am really trying to forget things and move forward.

But I guess what I am feeling now is just like a cancer.

It is accumulating and by time it is becoming bigger.

Regardless of how I am trying to ignore it.

Because.

After all.

I am only a human being.

I am no saint.

I can`t just forgive and forget the whole time.

I have already so many scars on my heart.

And yet I am getting more wounds.

When will I be able to get healed?

I am sorry I do not mean to embarrass anyone here.

How I wish none of the ppl reading my blog knows me.

So that I could say whatever I feel.

Without having anyone pointing finger to anyone else at all.

Probably I should deactivate this account.

And activate another one which no one will know.

But then again.

Why do I still have to bother about others?

This is my life anyway.

You see.

I am mentally tortured.

I am emotionally abused.

Well it is easy for me to accuse someone to be doing this to me.

Probably I should get myself a mirror.

To see that I am causing him an emotional turbulences too.

To see that I am harming him.

I myself know that we were in good shape lately.

That  we were happy spending our last moments together.

And it is not fair for me to come up with this entry because of only one misunderstanding we had.

This will make him look so bad.

But again.

I am a human being.

I do have feelings.

I want to feel appreciated.

And last night.

When he told me I was acting like a mafia because now I could leave.

And when he told me that he was afraid of me all this while.

Because I like to whine.

And he hates that.

It hurts me so much I don’t think the wound would ever be healed.

Alot of people said that you don’t have to tell too much of your personal stories.

“Tak yah cite hal dalam kain kat org”

I don’t mean to cerita hal dalam kain.

I just need to let my feelings out.

And I am sorry.

I know he`s trying hard too.

I hope he`ll find a good life ahead.