:: Luahan Perasaan ::

Boss called up saying that he won`t be in today.

So MERDEKAAAA was the first word on my mind right after I hung up.

Started looking at my desk.

Most of the jobs are done.

Except for some that I need ppl to send me details for me to proceed with my things.

But too bad.

Everybody is busy.

No one sends me anything.

Means I have a long list of pending jobs.

Yet I am so free.

I am trying not to think much.

Perhaps I should try to meditate now.

Well.

I`ll do that later.

Now I just wanna write everything out.

Well not everything.

But most of the things.

That`s the purpose of me having this blog anyway.

Like I said in the previous entry.

I`d rather not to find the right one.

As long as I don’t have to meet the wrongs.

I mean it.

Really!

I know we tend to say loads of unwanted.

And unnecessary things when we are angry.

But even now when I am no longer pissed.

I still do think the same like last night.

I tried so hard to accommodate others` needs.

I tried so hard to understand their feelings.

I tried so hard to make them happy.

This includes ignoring my feelings and my needs.

That are so contra to theirs.

This also means letting go of my desires.

This also means putting up with a broken heart.

Why?

Just to make them feel good.

Just to make them live.

Coz I don’t want them to get hurt.

But when I care too much of others.

The only person I am hurting is my own self.

People say.

When you can`t change the world.

Change yourself.

If you can`t change yourself.

Then angkat kaki blah jauh2.

That is the best thing for me to do too.

But angkat kaki is not as easy as it sounds.

I don’t know what kinda life I am stuck in.

For an instance.

I still can`t really digest this.

Someone asks you out for dinner.

OUT.

When you`re about to go out.

He tells you that you can eat whatever you want.

He`ll wait.

Then you`ll go with him to the place he wants.

To wait for him to have his meal.

WTF is this?

When I got pissed and say that might as well we don`t go together.

He got even more pissed at me.

When I said I could compromise.

He said only dumbf*cks do that.

When last time he got to know that a couple does that.

(The GF was so furious of the idea but she had no choice)

He said that the BF was so inconsiderate.

But now he said what they are doing is liberal.

Hurm.

Something big for me to think about.

Probably this is how liberal persons think.

I aint no liberal you see!!

Last time.

I did compromise for quite a lot of things that happened on the same night.

He kept changing plan according to his needs.

Sorry.

His wants.

Not needs.

Okay we were going through a direction of A when he wanted to divert coz he wanted something else at B.

Promising me to come back to A for my dinner after he gets what he wants at B.

But when he got what he wanted at B he finally change his mind again telling me

“Let`s not go to A.”

While I was waiting for goddamn hours to be at A.

While the plan to go to A was made few days back and I was craving!

Then I showed my emotion.

I was then accused UNFLEXIBLE.

But when I was trying to be flexible last night.

I was a dumbf*ck.

I really don`t understand.

I am really trying to forget things and move forward.

But I guess what I am feeling now is just like a cancer.

It is accumulating and by time it is becoming bigger.

Regardless of how I am trying to ignore it.

Because.

After all.

I am only a human being.

I am no saint.

I can`t just forgive and forget the whole time.

I have already so many scars on my heart.

And yet I am getting more wounds.

When will I be able to get healed?

I am sorry I do not mean to embarrass anyone here.

How I wish none of the ppl reading my blog knows me.

So that I could say whatever I feel.

Without having anyone pointing finger to anyone else at all.

Probably I should deactivate this account.

And activate another one which no one will know.

But then again.

Why do I still have to bother about others?

This is my life anyway.

You see.

I am mentally tortured.

I am emotionally abused.

Well it is easy for me to accuse someone to be doing this to me.

Probably I should get myself a mirror.

To see that I am causing him an emotional turbulences too.

To see that I am harming him.

I myself know that we were in good shape lately.

That  we were happy spending our last moments together.

And it is not fair for me to come up with this entry because of only one misunderstanding we had.

This will make him look so bad.

But again.

I am a human being.

I do have feelings.

I want to feel appreciated.

And last night.

When he told me I was acting like a mafia because now I could leave.

And when he told me that he was afraid of me all this while.

Because I like to whine.

And he hates that.

It hurts me so much I don’t think the wound would ever be healed.

Alot of people said that you don’t have to tell too much of your personal stories.

“Tak yah cite hal dalam kain kat org”

I don’t mean to cerita hal dalam kain.

I just need to let my feelings out.

And I am sorry.

I know he`s trying hard too.

I hope he`ll find a good life ahead.